4/1/25 Okayy so i woke up and lowkey was thinking how i have no will to live at all and the only reason i get up in the morning and still try to care for my body or what not is because if i dont ill feel more dissapointed in myself than i already am for doing nothing in life and also my family will talk shit. But im good now cause i just brushed it off cause literlly who even gives a fuck, anyways i blasted music for like an hour it was so fucking fun if i could marry my headphones i would anyways imma try to g out today, its a nice day amd i havent been out the house in a while and i think theat will helpe me feel a little bit better, imma stop stressing over my cousin coming over in a month or so cause its out of my control i can stress when the time comes i dont care, anyways i think i should ask my dad if i we could go to the park or gym or something, honestly wish i could go on my own but whatever, if not imma ask my sister if she can walk around the block with me, i have a good feeling about today and i hope it stays that way. Imma just try to keep on a smile and hope for the best and yes i know its april fools and if anyone of my dumbass family members try to prank me and ruin my day imma k1llmyself im not playing but at the same timw they didnt do annything last year or the year before that to me they actally havent pranked on april fools for a while but whatever imma still keep my guard up a bit i guess everyones too busy now a days to do anything but whateverrr lemme just have fun and- oh i forgot imam also try stop going on cai i know i said i'd limit myself before but i havent really been doing that but fr this time imma time myself everytime i go on it, 1hr and 30 minutes a day. I swear and plus if i go out today i wont have time to go on it as much. Anyways i just love music so much it always cheers me up, dopamine from music is so good ughh i love it.

Okay update everything went wrong after my daily talk with my dad i wanna kill myself now, im not going out anymore just cause idk im just in a bad mood for no reason like always idk anymore just everytime i talk to him i end up crying in my room, i fucking hate talking to him about my prombelms he just makes them sound so little and already tell me what i need to do to fix it, im so self aware i just dont believe in myself enough to actally change but he doesnt understand that and i literttly dont talk at all so he cant understand me and when i do talk i just end up sounded stupid as shit im just so fucking dumb i hate myself im just gonna stay in my bed all day again, im only gonna get up to go to the store with my sister since i kinda have too whatever maybe this is just how i am and stupid lonely axious bitch with no will to live who fucking cares anymore.

3/31/25 Brooo ugh im talking with my dad about the whole cousin-i-havent-even-seen-in-YEARS-is-coming-to-visit-us-in-a-month thing ad i told him im nervous and anxious and also very insecure about my room atm and he just keeps brushing it off and telling me it'll be fine and it is what it is like bro no im going to fucking kill myself. I just feel like throwing up and disseapering, i just already know how its going to go, my whole family is going to be talking and chatting it up with her while im standing their being awkward as hell and they will all be like "go talk with your cousin stop being weird and rude!" and it'll be like that for the whole time they stay over which is idek how the fuck long that is...I just hope my dad turns around and just says "I was just joking i pranked you! shes actally not coming over i just wanted to make you have a fucking panic attack and stress for a month for no reason at all!" i really hope thats the case if not, im screwed anyways i came downstairs from his office just to type this and cry, i should get back up there now because i told him i was only checking my classes sooo yeah...i dont think he really cares about me being nervous he just keeps talking to me about stocks i know i said i wanted to learn it before but now im not even sure if i want too and he said said that its fine if i dont but still fucking keeps talking to me about it for some reason, honestly i just want to leave this earth why the fuck am i even here for im just so dont with everthing can i just dissapear out of thin fucking air already. I swear to go, universe please help me.

3/29/25 Today was pretty alright, im actally proud of myself for going upstairs and talking with my dad for like 2 and a half hours, imma try to talk to him more, it also kept me off cai more, i wanted to delete it at first but i knew ill just try to get it again and go crazy without it so i can atleast limit myself, i was on it for like 30/ maybe 15 minutes today. But yeah thats all i just woke up from a long ass nap I dont even know when i fell asleep lol, but yeah thats basically all i did today, i might work on my Simon shrine now or just go on my tablet and fuck around.

3/28/25 Just talked with my dad, all i wanted to do is ask for something somehow it turned into some deep fuck ass talk, now im thinking about trying to change my life again but im just so fucking drained and really dont feel like it..but i guess it better than being unhappy but i tried so many times to change my life its just so fucking hard to and he hasnt even seen me try, hes been teaching me about stocks lately and these past two days I havent been feeeling like coming up to his room and letting him teach me about it cause i lowkey lost motivation and was just gonna go back up there when i felt like it...but he talking about some "the real reason i wanted to teach you is cause i wanted to spend more time with you" nigga i can bearly even stand being around ANYONE. I only feel like talking when necessary and the stocks were necessary to me at the time. I just hate talking to people ugh wtf..but i guess i have to chnage again but its just so fucking hard i cant do it anymore i dont really want to be here at all cant i just skip to the point of my life where it actally gets fucking good and i dont have to do any damn work. Im so fucking tired of everything just everything i do im fucking drained then he told me how my cousin is gonna come visit us...wtf. When why and why??? i dont mind her its jsut why and WHY. Ughh hen shes gonna see my fuck ass room like wtf i dont want to be her guniverse help me pleease. i want tp change i really do. I just want my motivation and dont give a fuck energy back but no, im overthinking anixious piece of shit all the time, universe please help me im praying at this point. Someone help me here. Maybe i should just finally open up to my dad about everything but i feel like if i do ill get too comfortable with him and idk ill just regret opening up to him, he usally tells people about my busniess and its annoying also i jsut dont explain things right and he just wont understand.

Okay fine, starting tmr ill try to change my life. Ughh and mayeb open up to my dad i dunno i just felt so forced before when my life was getting well..Maybe i just like suffering idk. Why do i jsut like feeling shit / feel comfortable feeling like shit i dont know why i think i deserve to feel this why or im just made to feel this way...my dad asked me if i knew what my purpose was in life/ why im here. I told "I'm here to be something big" i felt so stupid after bt deep down thats really how i feel but I know that wont happen if i dont change my damn life...i just feel like no one likes me..Maybe ill start watching TheWizardLiz again. She helped yet made me feel like i waas going insane but maybe that was a good thing and just the thing i need to change.

3/27/25(TW: self exiting mentioned) Okay so im crying, yeah i dunno i was told i was going to the dentist today yesterday and i dont like being told things late cause now im unprepared i need to be told atleast 2 days before hand so i can mentally and psyically prepare myself to and it turns out im not even going today im going some other day but still i was stressing the whole day, i couldnt even shower cause my sister told me last night not to until she woke up so she could go in first so i did and i waited two hours amd she still didnt get in so now im just sitting here stinking and mind you i couldnt even wash my face/ do my skin care cause who tf does that before taking a shower, anwyays so i was just stressing and it took me like hour an hour to build up the corage to talk to my dad and ask him if i was going today or not, I took 30 MINUTES to fucking build up the corage to have a 2 minute convo with this man....im so fucking pathetic i just hate everything right now, i had a feeling i wasnt going so there was no fucking reason to ask but my ocd was going crazy and i had to, i feel eveen more stupid becasue he had to ask my half awake mom when i was actally going...i feel so bad and dumb everyone hates me. im atleast greatful i dont have to go today and i have time to take my shower and wash my hair since i have to do that, which also pains me cause i wasnt planning on doing my hair until unday but it looks so fucking chopped and i have to go to the dentist some other time this week...this is just so fucking much. i hate going out i feel so dumb. i feel like everyone else knows whats wrong with me but i just dont now what they know i just know they all hate me...ugh i hate over thinking i feel so fucking stupid. Thank you Universe for atleast taing pity on me and letting me stay home for today thank you so much because if i actally had to go i would've k!lled myself.

3/26/25I tried on my tailored prom dress yesterday it looks so pretty yet i still dont wanna go to prom yet i have no choice ughh but anyway here it is:

So yeah dont mind the hair tho i need to get it rebraided this weekend, BRO and i just found out that i'm going to the dentist tomorrow i dont mind but it was just so late and im not prepared and i wasnt planning on soicalzing/going out anymore for this whole week! Ughh whatever, its just why couldnt we go out some other time, then i also have to get my glasses on 04/2 which isnt too far from nowww UGH i just wanna stay in bed whateverrrrr..I lowkey like the dentist too tho i just hope my family doesnt ruin it for me again...The prom dress trip was alright tho and i actally spoke more tham i useally do and i even asked for something! cause you know i hate asking for things i dunno why i just dont wanna feel like a begger all the time so i only ask for things when i really need it..

3/24/25 Been just gooning lately on cai llololol my Simon Ghost Riley obbession getting bigger i think i might like him more than Sylus, going to try on my tailored prom dress on tuesday kinda dont wanna go out but imma suck it up, my hairs kinda a mess so imma retwist it next sunday, period came on yesterday but cramps dont hurt that much anymore, just gviing a small update ok bye good night im going to beddd

3/21/25 I hope this ends up being a short blog i just wanna recap what happend in the last few days, okay so ithe eye doctor's was okay, i'm getting my glasses on April 2nd, i didnt realized i picked out glasses that was so much simliar to my sister's lol but anyways my dad kinda ruined the trip by pointing out how quiet me and my siblings were and started saying how we should talk more blah blah bullshit like always i already know this shit but he keeps telling me, i dont think he understands how hard it is but i dont feel like explaining to him he is a man after all its hard for them to do that. My step mom called me a sociopath last night and said i couldnt feel love and that she didnt believe me when i said i loved her, im not sure how that made me feel i mean i already knew she thought that but i didnt think she would say it to my face...And also it made me think more if i really am one ive been questioning it for a while and i dont think i really do "love" anyone i mean my step mom is fun to be around most of the time and i feel she has a great soul but does thta relly mean i love her, i'm gratful for everything she does for me but being gratful doesnt mean love...I think i only feel true love towards my closest sister (not in a weird way.) But i feel like shes the only one who understands me in certain ways yet at the end of the day i still dont feel like thats love i dont know anymore, i have been in a online relationship but I think that was more "lust" than love and we didnt know what the fuck we were doing, I love fictional charctars but since theyre fake i guess that doesnt count...i dont know anymoe tbh....i just feel fucked up everytime i think about all the problems i have, I cant talk to anyone normally, I hqave extreme anixety, hypersexuailty, i'm bipolar as shit, its just so many things i need to fix about myself i just wish i was normal, and pills are out the fucking winodw for a solution because my parents think they make you worse which i can believe that but then what the fuck am i suspose to do, i dont think therapy will work , i hate talking to people and thats just another thing my family will make fun of my of or call me weird idk this is just dumb imma hop on cai again, only thing ive been doing tbh..I dont get why i cant just drown in my flaws why do i have to change, its too much work anyways besdes what if this is just who i am and i just need to find my own group of other fucked up people to feel normal around. Yeah that sounds like a good solution...not really. :/

3/18/25 Ok so i feel like shit rn, my day was going great ever since i woke up the trampoline park was fun and everything but it all when down hill when someone made a comment about how i dont talk much and how they should jsut ingore me as if im not there for now on it made me feel like shit honestly, and someone else constestly making stupid ass little remarks trying to get me out of my good mood but failewd mulitpe times until i couldnt take it anymore and it got to me, then i came home to my annoying ass sisters who are lazy as fuck and do nothing me sit around and complain. I dont fit anywhere and i have to get that through my fucking head, one half of my family is too much (the ones i went out with) and the other half is too little/too passive (the ones i share a room with who are lazy as shit and does nothing with their lives). I just cant take it anymore im just tired and tired of these fucking mood swing why do i let shit get to me so much bro wtf ugh i just want to leave i thought shit would get better but neverthefuckmind. immaprobabaly take a nap hopefully once i wake up i feel better i most likey wont but a bitch can only pray at this point.

(UPDATE) Ok i just woke up feels better i think i was being a bit dramatic idk or maybe my head is too hazy to care right now. But my nap was good though

3/17/25 Okay so little recap of how its been for the past two days, ive been feeling more numb lately and been lowkey crashing out over dumb shit. honestly im really either here or in my dream reailty but lately ive been feeling like ive been no where at all, when i really go back and think about it it kinda scares me, i feel like ive been dissociating for 2 days straight now, today i think it finally stopped along with my sore throat that was so damn painful and annoying. thank the universe thats over, anyways im going to try looking for jobs today i was going to yesterday but something happened and i didnt want to go and i just didnt feel confident over all, espcially in the state of mind i was in i had no abailty to talk to people, at all. I go to that stupid school event trampoline park i just hope i have enough energy to look normal there and actally have fun, i hope my future self does okay. I don't even have an outfit yet, i feel so unprepared i didnt even start looking, i hope we just dont end up going.

I dont know i just feel like im going slightly insane. I know everyone notices and proabably hates me or thinks im a bigger werido for not talking to anyone but idc anymore i just wanna save up money and leave this house. My past self was so ready to work and get her life together but now i just feel like i lost all that motivation, i dont even want a job anymore tbh, i dont really care about money or going out and practicing my communication skill, i jsut want to stay home and be by myself, thats the only time ever that i truly feel happy. But for that dream to come true i have to get a job for money so i can live alone in peace, i know i cant move out yet at such a young age but if i save up a lot i can probably move out by 19-20 hopefully as soon as possible idk.

(UPDATE) SO NEVERMIND EVERYTHING WENT WELL FOR THE REST POF THE DAY I TALKED WITH MY FAMILY/PARENTS MORE AND IT WAS REALLY NICE AND I HAD FUN HELPING MY MOM AND DAD OUT YAYAYAY I CANT WAIT TO GO TO THE TRAMPOLINE PARK TMR AND TO WORK OUT IN THE MORNING UGHH IM SO MUCH HAPPIER THAN BEFORE THANK YOU UNIVERSEE AHHHHH

3/15/25 Quick and hopefully ends up being a short blog, okay so i went out with my sister yesterday and it felt good until i started geting overstimulated and shit y'know the usual, anyways yeah that was fun i brought a few things, i also had to buy a new workout shirt cause i crashed out the other day cause i broke the zipper on my last one like the crash out was sooo bad like pulling my own hair and shit lolol i wish i was joking anyways luckily i found the exact same one at the store we went to and got it, YOU KNOW WHATS BEEN PISSING ME OFF THE MSOT THO, DOORDASH. ive been craving these two things for like 3 days now and i cant order them at the same time because the delivery is too much...YFEJSDFIHTGUI ts been pmoing all damn week💔 but whatever im about to order now unfortunately i wont be able to get mcdonald fries with it but thats okay ig my big back ass will live💔

bro wtf my dad coming in here trying to talk to me and tell me to be more active nigga i honestly dont care i just h=want him to leave me the fuck alone i cant wait to move out these bitches annoying asf its 12pm bearly no one's even up right now telling me to work out some more after i just was up at 10am working out for like an hour...i dont think he understands...just anything at all i fucking hate him sometimes bro...i just want to cry and dissapear. like why the fuk you telling me to get up and say hi to the fucking neigbors your so fucking stupid bro leave me alone

3/13/25 Soooo moods been up and down latelyyy...and i tink everyone really hates me fr this time but whatever idk anymore anyways i have 2 social events coming up, eye appointment im so excited to finally get glasses and then evencatlly a job!! but before that i have to go to another "fun" school event...its some trampoline place again, i'm more exicted to go to the eye doctor's office tbh its so chill and nice in there and quiet and just feels so nice. i love hospitals and places like that, it makes me happy thinking about it, im going to try to be happier for now on and not let people get under my skin, its hard but if i just remeber that their words dont matter ill be okay and just remeber all the things i love doing and how great life is when im not in a bad mood!...summer's coming so its either depression and being lonley again or being happy and fulled with nice nostalgic feelings! honestly i love summer its just it can be so depressing sometimes i guess its like that with winter too but summer, its like differnt for some reason i get this one feeling i cant explain maybe because when it was summer i was at my worst and its like that every year, i hope its not that bad this year if it happens again. Anyways i love the sunnn so niceee i might plan on going on walks again this summer. Now that my birthday is over i feel like everyone just doesnt feel the need to pretend to give a shit about me anymore, ever since my birthday got over i feel like theyve been acting more shittier to me than before my birthday was even around, idkkk i just like typingg and bloggignggggg so much i cant wait to move out and decorate my apartment while being h!gh asf, itll be so fun being alone, ughhhh just a few more years thats why i needa job, i hate when people bring up the fact that my social skills are bad so i wont be able to work with other people but idc i swear its just my family that i cant talk with once i get a job ill be a whole differnt person while working i hope i find a job thats my safe place from home ill be working so hard..

3/8/25 Yay my birthdayy ig...i love my presents and i am very grateful for them too its just i also went out today so i could try on dresses for prom and that whole thing was just draining (socially) and people make me upset blah blah idc anymore, anyways i thought i was gonna have enough motivtion to take pic as ofmost of my presents and post a tiktok or on this blog but i really dont feel like it so imma just name some i got a Sylus cutboard cutout (WHICH IS MY FAV I LOVE HIM SO MUCHH), I got noise canceling headphones, a reading cat back pillow (look it up im hard at describing things), A KINDLEE I CAN READ ON AHHHH, a 5 year question of the day book and some skincare products ive been wantingg. anyways im drained i hope i work out tmr i also got some working out thingss i wanna use but ive been so lazy and busy, last week i was sick for 3 days so that also fucked my rotuine up, its gonna be hard to go back to being productive but imma try anyways i just cant wait for this day to be over im so glad i dont have any other big social events coming up (that i know of), until next month, i finally got them all out the way now i can finally breathe for godsake...

3/5/25more shorter blog again, So it turns out im fucking sick. I HATE BEING SICK SO MUCH OMGGG WHY TS GOTTA HAPPEN TO ME BROOOO💔 It took me all the strength i had left yesterday to blow dry my hair so that my mom could do it today because we're going out to the buffet either today or tmr im not sure they always confuse the plans but whatever, im not even sure if i can g obecause of how i feel but MY FAT ASS WANTS SOME FOOD SOOO.. but yeah its also crazy how MY FUCKING TEACHERS DECIDED TO GIVE ME 2 FUCKING PROJECTS TODAY AND EVE MORE TESTES LIKE BRO YALL GAVE ME NO SCHOOL WORK AT ALL WHEN I DIDNT FEEL LIKE SHIT SO WHY TF. THEY DEFINALTY KNOW THAT IM SICK CAUSE WTF. Anyways i felt so bad this morning i felt like i was about to throw up luckily i didnt but still i cant wait for ts shit to be over vro💔

(edit from a few hours after this)

So going to the buffet was fun ig i looked good, my hair was just really tight so my head kinda hurt and it didnt make it better since i was already since but its fine i feel my fever going down, there was a gift shop at the buffet everyone else got something execpt me, i just didnt see anything that caught my eye it was a nice store though, i dont know why but i just feel so empty after all that even though i had a decent time, maybe i shouldve gotten a plushie or something but i just didnt want to for some reason i geuss deep down i thought since i was already getting gifts on my birthday it would be too much but idk i just dont like asking for too many things ig. Anyways i hope tmr my sickness goes away completely.

3/3/25 a bit of a short blog before i go to bed, my birthday is in a couple more days and im so nervous i really dont want to open all my gifts in front of my family ive been feeling so much more pathetic lately i kee just thinking about all the social event i have to go to, no matter how long until it is or how close it is, i keepo thinking about how my prom is in a month and how my parent's wedding is in a year. It's too much socialzing i cant even breath around certain family members for too long, which is like basically all of them, I recently got cai again and it got bad. i went on it for like two days straight idk what to do wiht myself anymore ive been sober for months i felt like i was sinking into it this is liike the fourth account i had to delete i know its bad for me but i love it so much i cant take it. I need to learn how to soicalize more and i feel like everyday i just take another step back. I honestly want to just be alone idk anymore maybe people just arent for me they never were so why doesnt that have to change now?? i think i should really just focus on is getting out this damn house, moving out of this place and living by myself, i need money. I'm thinking about going no contact with my family once i move out but i know deep down ill feel guilty or i wont be able to for some reason. i got to get ready for bed now good night..

2/28/25 Went out todayyy im lowkey so drained right now...i went out to the farmers market and skating again. Honestly i figured soemthing out today i realized why i am so uncomfortable/drained around certain family memebers, theyre litterly the norm, they make me feel insecure just because i'm differnt, it's not even like i want to be like that in fact i never do and hope i never will but sometimes it would be better if i was so life was just a bit easier, its insane even when they aren't trying to make me feel like shit, just looking at them makes me feel like i dont belong at all...it feels like theyre everything i'm susspose to be. I just feel like such an awkward werido everytime i'm with them. i feel like i dont deserve anything from them i dont deserve to be near them and i just want to disapear, i think everyone hates me tbh and they're just forced to pretend to like me or be decent to me. I just want to be alone i wish i could stop being such a people pleaser and to just speak up for myself and not care about what anyone says, anyways i'm too tired to write anything else imma go cry in the shower or something now idfk.

2/26/25 Okay that last blog i was probably being a bit dramatic but whatever, this one might be shorter, my birthday is in like 10 more days and I'm also going go to rollerskate this friday, Before i was litterly DRAINED on the thought of going out plus my prom is not too far from now (April 25th), i learned that these social interactions will end soon and i just have to froce myself to bare with it and try to socialize more or atleast try not to think of the worst sceneorie every, if that makes sense. Idk anymore but these last few days been pretty alright ive been in a decent mood beside from my period being on i'm pretty good ig. Just boring i still didnt really choose an outfit for this friday yet but im sure itll be fine atp ive already been to the rollerskating place, no one there doesnt really look like people i have to impress so im not too stressed on that it's just my family i need to see if they approve of my outfit first thats useally what happens anyways. but yeah i just wanted to make a qucik little update i'm not sure if anyone even reads these but oh well idc if they do or dont i just need to get whatever has been on my mind out.

2/21/25 honestly dont know what to wwith myself anymorre my ccommunication skills has bbeen getting worse and worse. to the point when I ddont feel like talking I lliterally just dissociate until people get a hint. i just feel like its unless ans too much work to talk sometimes like whats the point anymore. anyways i just reslly need the motivation i had last year i cant do this anymore. i might ask my dad if i can get a therapist but itll be hard talking to him especially about something like that. I just want things to get better but i know i have to work for it or at least do something but i literally dont feel like doing or saying anything i just want to be alone ugh my birthday is in like two weeks i dont want all that attention on me but whatever its just for a day hopefully no one fucks up my birthday too. im already being forced to go out and try on dumbass dresses to a prom i dont even want to go to. Bro and apparently i we're going to this roller skating place i was planning to use my period as an excuse but they really said that since mines isnt heavy ill be fine like just GET THE HINT I DONT WANT TO FUCJING GO. but whatever. im just tired i dont feel like writing anymore.

2/15/25 (TW huge rant) Just woke up like an hour ago but whatever, I just feel like shit, i know its getting to that time of month but i really dont want it to happen. And no, im not talking about my period im talking about the week/days before my period. I might have PMS but it doesnt matter if i didnt or did people still will just water it down to me being a "crash out" honestly hate that meme it was funny at first but they overuse it so much when im literally at my worst but whatever. I just got told yesterday that on my birthday will be the dame day that we try on dresses for prom, that made me so mad and annoyed, the way they told me, they way they didnt even ask if i was okay with it. It's not like i want all the attention on me or anything if anything i want the oppesite, i didnt plan on going out for my birthday at or neither did i want to. I just wanted to get my presents and cake and stay home. Honestly didnt even what to do that, i just wished they could give me just peace and fucking quiet for a whole day as a birthday gift, or somehow magically make me older and give me an apartment so i can get the hell out of here. I might have been feeling lonely im not sure though cause its hard to name my emotions sometimes but i think thats the closet thing to it. I have no one. seriously i have no friends, i can bearly talk to my family because some of them are theyre either annoying or i think deep down inside they hate me and are just pretending to be nice to me. So it's hard to talk to them but i know i need to talk to either my dad or mom about this, my dad's busy so maybe my mom but it's easier to talk with my dad yet my mom gives out better advice and understands more. (atleast it feels like she does.) Iv'e just been crying every since that day i went out for my brother's birthday. I don't even know why they invited me. Going out just was the universe reminding me how godawful my social skills was i couldnt even order properly and almost fucking cried in the middle of fucking chillis. (as funny as that sounds it was one of the worst moments this week).

I've noticed myself missing who i was back then at the beginning of 2024, have i grown as a person now? yes, but do i still want the little bit of social skills and the 'i-dont-give-a-fuck-what-anyone-thinks-(but at the same time i still ovethink a bit)' energy, that my 2024 self had. Absolutely. i didnt really like who i was back then but some things i did like about her. I miss some parts of me who i used to be and it's just so hard to go back. I can't even hold up a convo anymore. Or ask for the things I need/want. Or even throw myself out there in a uncomfortable position so i can grow more. I want that energy back. I feel like self-isolation was one of the reasons why these traits went away, and also over the year i slowly started to realize, i didnt know what i was really doing and i did'nt really know myself as much as I do now. I though i had 5+ years of my life ahead planned out. But i did'nt realized how much things change around and how many plans could easily be set back and the work it had to take, i know everything is going to work out for me regardless but, i still need to think about the present and not just the future. I've been fantaizing so long that i did'nt even take time to appricate the process, but how can you blame me when it's the hardest/slowlest part of the jounery. I also been seeing how i litterly just don't like people, i dont like talking at all, with cetain people i just really dont get the point in talking unless it's completely necesseary. The only person i feel like i actally like talking to is just one of my closet sisters but i can't talk to her about serious things because she doesn't really give a fuck about anything most of the time, not even herself. So at the end of the day i bascailly have no one i can go to. That's why i just live in my head and make up fake scenairos of my dream reailty with fictional charcaters, they make me feel loved and safe, so it's hard to let go of it. It's been growing with me for 4+ years and been changing with me to. I know it's bad to daydream too much but they truly make me feel loved, but when i come back to the present/my reality, im lonely again. I just want to leave this life behind and start over, or just go to whole other reailty. I'm kinda dreading for my birthday, since we have to go to that dress fitting place plus i don't want all the attention. Ugh this was alot, i didn't even feel like working out or doing my regular routine today...it's honestly just been so many mood swing everysince i went out, hopefully i feel better soon i mught update yall later on in the day but at the same time might not, i don't even think anyone will read this whole thing so imma just end it here.

2/7/25 Today was pretty good i went to the gym today and talked with my dad for a little after, he gave me some good life advice. I realized a few things about myself i honestly dont feel like typing it because some people put me in a bad mood or maybe its just because i'm drained from being outside for so long. Idk maybe both but people just annoy me at this point i just wanna go to bed but i now i cant even for mulitlpe reasons. Just thinking about anything makes me roll my mother fucking eyes bro. Tommorow will be better, i hope. maybe i'm just cranky lol it is getting to my bedtime. LOL i can't i can be so damn dramatic girl what are you even upset over fr its just the same shit and the same shit ass people who gives a fuck anymore. Stop letting this shit get to you fr. You're stronger than this and you know it.

2/4/25 (same day just written later on) I think I just realized that I have no motivtion and didn't even realize. Or atleast i think a better way to word it is that, i overestimated myself. My dad just suggested that I make my own eye doctor's appointment and I honestly got nervous at the idea, He brung this up before and i was like "sure" of course because i want to be more indepentdent but just thinking of all the social iteractions ill have to do made me feel weird in the stomach and if i can't even do that how tf will i get a job, let alone go to an interveiw. He says i always underestimate myself but i think it's really the oppsite only if he knew..i dunno but what i do know is that i need to get my shit together if i want to be where iwantneed to be. I need to learn how to communicate with more people and need to learn how to make money and fast. I just miss how i used to be, i used to be so motivated and hungry for success but i feel like over time that died down. I still want to achive my goals but I know i have to work harder if i want that. I can't keep repeating the same old cycle i've been doing for like a month now. I know i need to be nice to myself but at this point i have no exauses and i need to see things for what they really are, ive gotten lazy and need to work harder. i miss the drive i had before. I'll get it back i know i will and i know i have to.

2/4/25 Lately ive been trying to lock in more and not go on my phone or anything but its soooo hard espically since it's so boring i literlly have nothing else to do. I havent got the need to go on insta that much since i got used to going on it for only 1-2hrs a day and I don't have tiktok anymore so thatsgood i guess, not really lowkey miss it alot). So lately ive just been reading on my Kindle and wattpad I know reading is good and most likey way better than doomscrolling but girl you CANNOT just read dark rom coms and fanfics all day and do nothing else😭. It's fun though, And i also got a new hobby recently, Junk journaling/scrapbooking!. I honestly love it so much, just like creating art in general without trying to be perfect about it, I honestly love it so much more when it's a little ugly it's so niche. But yeah I want more hobbies to keep myself busy and distract myself from wanting to doom-scroll more and just for me to have something to do. I just want to have a job already i feel so lazy all day, i feel like days are just passing me by now and it's kinda depressing yet not so bad cause atleast i'm not actally depressed it's just boring to te point it feels depressing...if that even makes sense...it's even worse since I have no friends, I hate talking to people though so im just kinda stuck. Sometimes i feel like I dont need anyone, some other times I feel like I'm missing out and need to make friends or i'll get no where. I dont know man...Just living. My dad is teaching me stocks so that's something else I can do, and i can also possibly make money from it too so its a double win. I just feel like i'm just lying wait everyday (Hamilton ref sorry not sorry) but seriously i'm just waiting for my life to get more exciting and better on it's own yet I know the universe can't do all the work for me and I have to actally do something about this. BUT LITERALLY WHAT. MY LIFE IS SO BORING UGHHHHH. Just waiting for the right people in my life to come find me cause fuck i look like chasing yall LMAOO jkjk not really like if i was really suspose to have friends/a partner they should come to me first idc ts shit is too much work.

(ALSO SUGARFORBRAINS TOOK DOWN THEIR WEBSITE AND WEBRING I WAS SO SHOCKED WHEN I SAW THEIR WEBSITE DOWN WAS ONE OF MY FAVORTIE WEBSITESS UGHHH😭 i hope they're okay..they said that they're working on other things so yeah..)

1/28/25 OMGMGMGMG OK SO SHORT BLOG BUT I JUST FOUND OUT IM NOT GOING TO PUBLIC SCHOOL ANYMORE AYAYAYYAA I WAS SO NERVOUS NOW THATS ONE LESS THING I HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT. Even though i guess it would've been good if i DID went because ive been homeschooled bascially all my life besides elementry school and i need to work on my social skill but OH WELL LMAOA (I did NOT want to go) I'm too dumb for public school anyways like bro it's SOOO MUCH EASIER online. Plus i wouldve had to get up at 6AM GET READY PICK OUT CLOTHES AND BE AROUND PEOPLE MY AGE FOR HOURS, i just can't thinking about it gives me too much axiety that i don't need. the only reson why I was gonna forced to go in the first place cause my sister wanted to go and she couldn't go alone so my parents said i had too but they heard about this recent school shooting so they said we couldn't go anymore. I feel so relieved im soory but I literlly couldn't do that. It's not like I can't find anywhere else to socialize at plus my online school has these public events we go to every once in a while so that's fine with me. (I can bearly bring myself to even go to those events.)

1/20/25 Alright so im about to go to bed so this will most likey be short. I need to lock TF back in. That's all. i know my period is going to come back on soon an i tend to get really lazy the week before and during my period (obviously)...but this time i want it to be different i get my body needs rest bjt i HATE feeling so lazy its already bad enough that my sleep schedule is messed up agajn cause my dumbass cant stay awake when my alarms (imma finish this in the morning...) (morning update) Good morning! Okay so what my tired ass was trynna say at 1AM last night was that imma star being more productive and mostly gonna try staying off my phone/tablet cause i keep rotting in bed binge-watching Abbott elementary and the third seasom of mob psycho...anyways besides that i also wanted to talk about the Tiktok ban...okay so when it got banned i was lowkey upset and felt dumb cause i didn't now they were fr fr...😭 so i thought Tiktok was gone SO MY DUMBASS DELTED THE APP NOW I CANT GET IT BACK UFGHHTRJVJGRN but at the same time it's kinda a good thing for me cause that's one last app to stop doom-scrolling on so yeah but that didn't stop me from going on Reels...IM TRYNA STOP OKAY. But at the same time i lowkey miss #motivationtok and #booktok...LIKE WHERE TF AM I GOING TO FIND MORE SONGS TO ADD TO MY PLAYLIST AND BOOKS TO READ UGHJHHG, Speaking of books should i make a page on this website dedicated to the books I've read/reading? but at the same time I don't even reading like that😭...plus some of the books I read are a little...😈 JKJK (not really joking) so yeah plus my family might see it sooo BUT I WANNA TALK ABOUT MY NEW BOOK SOO BAD TO SOMEONE ugh i need friends frfr...ts just getting sad😭 anyways I need to get on my zoom in like 40 minutes and I want to go finsh coding my Lucifer shrine instead of just yapping on here sooo byee

1/17/25 Okay so i actally had so much fun today when i went out to the trampoline park and laser tag! The trampoline park was kinda boring after a while...but laser tag was so fun!! omg i can't wait to go again, my parents said we might do paintball in the summer, i was so out of breath tho😭 but my team won at the end! My outfit looked good at first i didn't feel that good in it but i ended up having a good time like i said i would! i'm so glad i went out, i feel really furstraed and upset at first but that's how it always starts when i'm getting ready to go out somewhere, I plan wayy before hand then i try to remind myself not to stress over it then i let it go until i forget aout it then i stress myself again because i wasn't prepared😭. I'm just such a rollercoster i swear...I need to get that fixed for real or other wise imma be stressing my whole lifeeee. I keep thinking of when i get a job like girl, you're gonna have to be going out almost everyday...but trust me imma be prepared for that. Once again i'm thankful for the Universe and it having my back for the whole day just like every other day, i'm glad i allowed myself to have fun instead of just staying stuck up in the house all day, no matter how fun that is...i needed that breath of fresh air. Anyways I can't wait to take a nice shower and do my pilates in the morning. I know my sleep is going to be sooo good, that's another reason why i need to go out more i'm always so tired after a long day (obviously), so that'll help me sleep since i have such a hard time falling asleep, it havent been that bad lately but still it'll help.

1/15/25 Brooo idk why but lately i havent been feeling like going out anywhere, it's just the whole process of picking out an outfit and being around people for too long its so draining tbh...im going somewhere friday and im so not ready, i would like to have fun and stuff but idk why but its so hard for me to because i overthink of everthing that could put me in a bad mood, then eventally put everyone else in a bad mood...IDEK WHAT IM BABBLING ABOUT UGHHH. but usally when this hapens and i get all stressed over going out WEEKS before i even go, atleast 75% of the time i end up having fun and call myself dumb for getting so worked up over it. but whatever this is for future me to deal with for now let me just try to control what i can for now and try to pick out an outfit beforehand so i dont be going crazy over trying to find an outfit when it's too late, ive just been trying not to get myself so stressed with the things i cant control (most of the time being the future or just soical events) i seriouly need to stop being so anti-social because its not going to help me get anywhere i need or want to be...(edit from like 2 hours later)UGHH OMG I JUST DONT WANT TO GO AT ALLL UGHHH WTGFFTWTTFTFTTFTFFTTWWTWTETDGD Universe please help me ughhhhhh whats wrong with me

12/26/24 Hii there everyone!!, I'm so glad I finally decided to write my first blog. This year's Christmas was amazing and I can't thank the Universe enough for everything it has done for me and given to me. I'm also so grateful for my parents. Today we had another family gathering though I don't like them since it's too much socializing for me. I feel so awkward (even though I need to work on that), so I ended up getting stressed out and overstimulated over everything as always but one of the best people I have in my life rn comforted me and told me to relax, that reminded me of the advice I gave myself not too long ago. I always stress myself out and push myself to my limit without even noticing, I also people please wayy too much and most of the time put others before myself, and then I have another emotional out-burst..(I also think it's cause my period is about to come on too but still.) All this to say, Future self, please take care of yourself, you don't have to get everything done at that moment, you're only human after all, you need breaks and you need to learn to tell others "no". This doesn't make you "lazy", "mean", "selfish" or any of that just please be kind to yourself.

type here. type here.type here. type here. type here. type here.